Monday, October 26, 2009

In the Spun Bud of the Heart

The burning is intense. Taking the light through the centers is unbearable. My heart is beating twice as fast a normal. My hands burn and sweat, as do the backs of my arms and legs. I take off every piece of clothing I can and still remain decent. This is the end of the processes.

I had come into the day thinking: "Great! I have something to share. I am seeing the resolution of Resistance, the theme that I started with. I was with family, spiritual family. All was well."

Then came the gift that was poison. The "knowing better" dressed up as "treat" - gooey chocolate (now that I come to think of it, it was dry and hard) chocolate cake.

Why is that we give one another a "toxic mimic", a replacement for the real love we truly desire, giving in the form of surprise birthday dinners ("I ate so much I felt like throwing up!") presents whose wrappers get thrown on the garbage heap and which we really don't need as a "token" of our love?" Why can't we give one another a tender touch, a loving embrace, attention, time and compassion?

I wonder if it's the cake? I can't concentrate. I want to crawl into a fetal ball and disappear. I want to not feel this. What seemed so promising and exciting is now my worst nightmare.


"Rest in the Throne of your Heart " the voice is saying. This feeling is so frightening, so overwhelming: His anger and sadness, the other's indifference to me. Someone else ignoring me completely with a hand out and finger shushing me, passing me by without a glance.

It's all about me at this instant
It's always about me
Me playing small
My heart beating fast
Passing me by for a more promising younger sexier version
All with its promises and pain.

My heart is afraid, tired from all the promises held out to me in the form of gratification: cake, relationship's that are not good for me.

I get excited and then I get so scared! So overwhelmed, like my heart is jumping out of my chest. So I do the next smart thing and ask for support.

He says: "The heart is the healer, rest in your Inner Garden." And now the tears are streaming down my face. How could he know that my mother's dying words were" In the garden: I'll meet you there." He says, "In the Spun Bud of the Heart is a Place of Peace."

He asks me what takes me there? I say that I have had a picture of my Guru who initiated me hiding behind a picture of Amma. Every once in a while he peaks out. I put him at the foot of my bed on my alter. I heard in my yoga studies that your Guru can intervene for you and is the promise of your initiation to guide you through troubles waters and to meet you when you cross over the bridge to the next life.

I pray to him: I do 108 rounds of Om Guruji Namaha" and by the end of that I am usually asleep or at peace.

I first met Daviananda Saraswati Maharaj whilst staying at the Optimum Health Institute in Lemon Grove in 1998. He was the penultimate Guru. I laughed as I went up for Darshan. If ever there was going to be a Guru for me, he was it. He was stunningly beautiful. So COOL!!!

"Guruji" as he liked to be called, was known as The Swami From the Himalayas". He did austerities like standing in ice-cold water, living in a cave and mediating for many years. Before that he was involved in the Gandhi Peace Movement. He must have been in his 70's when I met him. He gave me the name Adya Devi, which means the feminine principle of the Universe that always was and always will be - eternal everlasting MA!

I am here with a Benevolent Aide to my aching, burning heart who he tells me, "Do that then. And go slow and be COOL."

Cool to me is not being glamorous. It's being in the trenches of your heart and feeling all of it. It is being willing to allow the pain and let the fire transform you. I am game, so I am going with this.


"If you see something painful and anguishing to the heart, why do keep taking it up?" He asks. "Pick a symbol that is cool instead. "Take the Tarot card Temperance and contemplate it. The mind cannot follow the emotions. The emotions are too quick for the mind. Symbolism speaks directly to the heart in a language that it understands. The root languages take us deep into Nature where the English language can only scratch the surface.

Explore the cool, take it slow and be wiling is all that's asked

The Story of the Chickpea

The chickpea jumps to the top edge of the pot and says:
"I am burning!" The cook swats him down again with his ladle.
He says" you are simmering.
You are mixing with spice and seasoning.
Have you forgotten the Garden where you drank the spring rains
Where you where nurtured in the belly of Earth?
That was for this is for
To become a nourishing meal
For the Beloved."

Something like that.
To be Picked by the Beloved for the Transformative Body of Love.


Come Back to the Heart
Rest There
Be cool
Be Yourself,
Take Repose in
The Heart of Hearts


There is Nothing to do
Just the subtlest movement
The Tenderest Touch

Neither This nor That
No doing of any kind
Breathing in and breathing out
Composed ….Cool
Simmering, Soft, Allowing
Letting myself be held in
The Arms of The Beloved

MG 26 Oct 2009
After Workshop week
With Sarman and Devi Tide